Come, OIL ye faithful.

Recipe for Cat's First Ever Meal

Step One: Proceed with this step quickly -- skip the washing, brushing and skinning. Germs do not exist in Germany. Start dicing potatoes.

"Mummy, look! I'm cooking!"

Step Two: Preheat pan. Add olive oil. Leave the kitchen and go into room to check facebook for notifications. Get sidetracked. Smell burn from kitchen. Panic. Open all windows and doors. The room should cool to 2 degrees within 10 seconds. Close windows and doors while vowing to avoid burning down the building again.

Step Three: Place chicken schnitzel into frying pan. Realise schnitzel is rock solid -- damn, forgot the defrosting part. But alles klar, just cut up schnitzel into tiny pieces as in theory, this should cook the chicken better. More olive oil is needed as pieces will quickly stick to pan.

Step Four: Add in diced potatoes and chopped up peas. Add in a shot of funny looking dried herbs. Grab the other packet of funny looking dried herbs and add that too. No need to know what the are. You will notice that the dried herbs will spread around the pan, so add more olive oil so that they stick to the potatoes.

Step Five: .. More olive oil, bitte.

Step Six: To seem like you know what you're doing, add in other granules. I chose pepper and salt. A bit more olive oil to get these buggers to stick too. Sense the professionalism whilst pinching these condiments and flicking them into the pan. Cowabunga!

Step Seven: Tip contents into a bowl. Voila! My first ever meal boys and girls...

... would you like some potato with your oil, ma'am?

At least it looked good.